Screaming yellow lines against
Black pavement trapped
Like tar, rooted to the ground.
I feel heat tread on my skin
And I scream.
Mattie wakes up breathing hard, loud, and she sweats out the dreams that terrorize her. “Trapped,” she mumbles half asleep, and scribbles feverishly on the paper half-hanging off her nightstand, intersecting lines with lines and hoping it all makes sense in the morning. She throws the pen back down, unaware of it’s landing, and falls back into bed, nestling. She forgets, for an instant, where she is, and it’s long enough for her to go back to sleep.
Hours later, when the stubborn sun has risen and reminded Mattie that far enough way, everything else was still the same, she sits and stares out her window, vacuum sealed and deadlocked. Outside her tiny tin trailer are the badlands, stretches of land that lie empty of any existence. Mattie remembered how there used to be so many people around, enjoying nature, living life. Quarantine was now everyone’s hobby; fear was their religion. Ever since ‘the fall of science,’ anything the theological or conspiracy theorists could imagine became “possible fact,” which replaced real fact, which replaced the need for any real proof. We threw so many rules away, that with it went logic, all into some burning pile of shit. And then everyone watched the smoke for signs of the next apocalypse.
Mattie remembers the day they mandated the quarantine; her and her boyfriend sat with disbelief as they watched the entire world get sucked up into a false sense of real. Trailers were set up with self-sustaining gardens that were programmed to grow exactly the bare minimum of what was needed to survive. Every day new recipes popped up on her computer from the FDA, so she’d know exactly how little of her garden she could use and still have enough energy not to keel over. It was prison for the unsuspecting, the ones unlucky enough to live this long.
Still, Mattie saw the charm of it. The eerie quietness was relaxing, and inspired countless poems as she’d stare out into the abyss. Her boyfriend, Aidan, and her would have nothing but time to laugh and do nothing or have sex. At times she could say she was almost content with her life. However, imprisonment will always bring out the worst, nay, the real side of people. Aidan said he loved her as he packed everything he owned because he wanted to get away from her as fast as he could. Like the idiot she never thought he was, he believed in the rumors of the Utopian societies set up along the Mexican border, free from quarantine. He couldn’t handle this lifestyle of loneliness, being left with the non-thoughts his mind can’t stop. Like all the others, he was tired of thinking of survival and wanted to go back to living mindlessly.
Mattie leans against the glass of the window, the smooth coolness on her forehead almost like someone’s touch. The familiarity of the act makes her sigh out loud, her breathe escaping as fog on to the window’s surface.
Touch me, Love me, Kiss me,
Free me, Hear me, Tell me,
Want me, Show me, Fuck me.
Touch me,
Touch me.
Later, Mattie scours the Internet for something to do, anything to keep her attention for more than one of the infinite number of minutes she had. She contemplates becoming part of the “Sexual Virtual Experience (SVE),” when a flashing banner ad catches her eye. “REAL Sexual Sensation,” “Programmed by sex EXPERTS,” and “You won’t be able to tell the difference!” all scream at her while a picture of a dildo with speed gleams in all its staged light and glory at the bottom. Clicking the banner brings her to a website that is basically an expanded version of the banner, which includes fake sounding testimonials like, “You’ll never need a real man again!” Mattie rolls her eyes at the idea and considers leaving, but the bigger photo of the product makes her daydream. The idea of not needing anyone but herself and this little machine for sex was hypnotizing, and it looked so realistic. “I need it,” she whispers to herself as she types in her trailer number.
***
Lotus stretches out his long, tattoo-sleeved arms, as he thinks back to his recent triumph. Rock Band: Old School Punk had always been his game, and he had finally been able to put those long hours to use. First place garners a hefty prize, and all that money was just sitting there waiting to be spent. He sits in front of his old computer, struggling to find something that will hold his interest and kill his time. “I got nothing but time!” he cries out to no one. In his trailer, he feels like a dead salty fish, trapped in a tin box. I need something I’ll never get sick of, he thinks. Sex is the first thing that comes to mind, so he types ‘sex’ into his browser and is met with overflowing options. “How about a nice salty vagina?” he laughs to himself, and types in ‘vagina.’ Banners and pop ups flood his screen, promising this and that. Lotus decides he wants a toy, something to stick his dick into besides his hand. “REAL Sexual Sensation,” “Programmed by REAL SEX EXPERTS!” shouts one ad, big block letters covering most of the screen. Below it, what looks like some porn star snatch circa 2005 on display, and Lotus closes his eyes and imagines what it would feel like being inside. Just thinking about it he can barely contain himself, and he buys it at once, opting for instant shipping.
An hour later it falls into his mail chute, and he tears it open with glee. “REAL TO THE TOUCH!” it promises, and when he finally gets it out, he is amazed. Real to the touch indeed, its skin as soft and smooth as the last girl he remembered touching. On the box he notices a small paragraph that states, “This product contains a pouch inside to catch all orgasm aftermath, so no need to pull out!” Fucking sweet, Lotus smiles and gets right to work.
***
Mattie sits facing her mail chute, waiting for her package. It’s been several hours since she has ordered it, but she has nothing to do, so she waits. She yearns for a cigarette to smoke, a beer to drink, a bowl to light; anything that she used to do to pass the hours of her life that felt meaningless. A beep and a whoosh excite Mattie, and she jumps up to watch the package slide down. As soon as it lands, she grabs it and tears it open. Inside, what could very well be some young man’s dick, cut off and sealed in plastic so girls like her could have their fun. “Let’s get to work,” she grins, eyes flashing.
After reading a small book of directions on its different settings, she turns it to missionary, medium speed, and slowly plunges it in between her legs. “Ohhh,” she sighs with pleasure, and the rhythm and sway make her crazy. She calls out to the world, filling the silence that surrounds her with ecstasy. When she comes, her body convulses and shakes, and her skin becomes softer than she can even bear. Mattie is laying there in utter enjoyment, when the machine sputters, shooting a liquid deep inside her before coming to a stop. She slowly pulls it out and lays there for a moment, feeling the release of stress from her body, when she thinks about what just happened. What was that sensation before it stopped, what did it shoot into her? She lazily sits up, and reaches for the box thrown aside. She scans the entire front, back and sides for any mention of this occurrence, when she notices a small disclaimer, in tiny, almost unreadable font, on the back. “This product will produce the real sensation of your partner sharing in your orgasm experience. This is a harmless measure and is only meant to intensify the authenticity of your sexual encounter.” Why would they hide that?, Mattie thinks to herself.
Days pass, and Mattie’s loneliness becomes more palpable. The “real partner having an orgasm” sensation has left her wary of her new toy, as wonderful as it had felt. Another isolated night, and she had found herself purchasing a one year subscription to SVE. Tonight, like every night since that purchase, Mattie sits in front of her computer, watching amateur videos of sex and masturbation. She listens as guys catcall her, watching her through her web cam, telling her she’s beautiful, she’s sexy, they want to see her naked. Every night she fingers herself to boys’ dicks flashing on the screen, making sex sounds as they all do, as she does, everyone trying to get each other off. It was wartime, everyone helping everyone else out; the communal, collective masturbation. Mattie is working hard, feeling herself up as a charitable couple has posted their live sex tape, filled with close-ups of genitalia being licked and fucked. “Oh shit, oh shit,” Mattie mumbles, feeling herself getting softer and softer. Suddenly, she feels nauseous and barely makes it to the bathroom where she pukes her guts out. Miles of time, or what it feels like, later, she sits on the bathroom floor and wonders how she could be so sick. Lately her body had been mysterious; gaining weight from her same boring diet of fuckin gruel, feeling tired and achy after doing very little activity, and now this. “I haven’t gone out in the sun, or touched anyone for so long, what is this?!” Mattie screams, her shrill voice echoing off every wall. She sits in despair, thinking about the complete separation of mind and body.
I think, therefore I am
A mind.
I fail, therefore I am
A body.
“Oh web doctor!” Mattie snaps out of her slump, remembering the free service. She logs online and types her symptoms into the search field. The results load instantly, and at the very top of the list of suggested ailments, it says “Pregnancy?” It hypnotizes her, taking up the whole screen with its meaning. She clicks the link, and it takes her to a page that describes the full symptoms of pregnancy. She reads them all, and gasps every time she comes to one she recognizes in herself. Breast tenderness, swollen feet, increased hunger (though she had denied the urge); it was all a sure sign that she was pregnant. “Need to take a pregnancy test?” asks another link at the top of the page, almost like it taunts her. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,” Mattie whispers to her computer screen, clicking the link. It activates her printer, which prints out a thin strip of plastic-coated paper. The tiny print directs her to insert one end of the stick inside her vagina and to leave it there for several minutes. If it comes out black, she was pregnant. Mattie reluctantly forces it inside her, fidgeting at the sharp corners and uncomfortable situation. While she sits and waits until she can pull it out, she bounces her legs and takes deep breaths, unable to sit still even for a second. When it’s been six minutes she yanks it out, and it is black as can be, immediately clear that she was, in fact, pregnant.
It didn’t make any sense. Her boyfriend had been gone for more than nine months, and the last time she checked, that was the length of time it took to cook a baby. “How am I pregnant!?” she cries out and thinks of all the safe sex she’s been having. Did she produce asexually? Isn’t that something bacteria does? Mattie wants to sob but she feels like the baby has taken all of her moisture and she has nothing but dryness. “Mystery baby,” Mattie whispers, feeling her stomach.She goes to sleep, tossing and turning the whole night. She has dreams about her baby and her lying in hay, talking to God. “I’m no virgin!” she remembered shouting. When she wakes up, she is sweaty and sick again. After she runs to the bathroom and gags up more bile, she goes back to see her writing paper on her nightstand. Sometimes she writes things without ever really waking up, and those are usually the most interesting poems.
Blood of my blood,
Did you come from my bones?
Live off my womb, immaculate
Creature.
Mattie thinks back to her dream, and starts to put it all together. “That story was false,” she mumbles, “but I am really pregnant.” She smiles to herself, “I am immaculate.” Suddenly, the baby is no longer a curse, but a miracle, and she cradles her stomach. “I must spread the word of this!” she exclaims. “Doctors will be amazed!” Her eyes glaze over at the amount of attention she would receive, the social interaction she could experience.
The only problem was reaching anyone outside of going through the computer. This needed to be seen in person for people to believe it. Tests had to be done. Usually, if you needed to go to the hospital, you were supposed to fill out a form online that would have to be processed, and a “hospital helper” would eventually be sent to pick you up in one of their sun-shielding vehicles. The whole process took over an hour, which really seemed to hinder the hospital’s purpose. Mattie decided that she didn’t need all that bullshit; she wanted to share her miracle with the world now. Every trailer had been equipped with a robe that was supposed to protect you from the sun’s harmful rays. Mattie had never used it, as she had heard horror stories of the robes being poor quality and not working. Her overwhelming desire to share her news made her decide to trust that it would work, and she put it on to go outside. She walked in baby steps to the door, afraid of the world she had been taught to fear. She sighs heavily, rubbing her belly. “Stay cool,” she says to her stomach, feeling nervous. She throws the door open, and walks out determinedly, ready to face it all. The sun beats down, but the robe protects her as she runs across the deserted lands to the nearest hospital. Its miles away, but she runs constantly and it feels good to be outside. To be a part of nature, where there is no carpet, or couches and beds. Just sand, and wind, and sun.
When she gets to the hospital finally, she is out of breath and stands there, leaning against the wall. She sucks the air up into her lungs, not caring about all the bacteria and germs she could be breathing in. It just felt so good to be among life. A tall, wiry boy wanders up to her with a camera dangling from his neck. He, too, wears a robe to protect him from the sun.
“Can I take your picture?” he asks her, “I think you are interesting looking.” He is interesting himself, with arms filled with pictures of color, that only show when he holds his camera up and the robe sleeves slide down to his elbows.
“Do I have to do anything?” Mattie asks. He laughs, “Just stand there.” So she does, and he snaps one picture after the other. “I wish you could take your robe off,” he mumbles, and Mattie blushes, even though she’s wearing clothes underneath. It’s been so long since she’s talked to a guy in person, she feels awkward and immature. He snaps a few more and then she says, “I really need to go in now. I came for a reason.” He nods, and drops his camera gently, so that it lies back down on his chest. “Thank you,” he says to her so earnestly, with such beautiful eyes that Mattie can’t help but stare into them. “Thank you,” she clumsily repeats, and he smiles. She smiles anxiously, and walks into the hospital.
It’s everything she remembers hospitals to be, chewed up plastic chairs, people with sad faces, and everything cast under a bluish white hue. As soon as she walks in, she feels like she’s sealed in plastic, fluorescent lights drowning her out. I’m having my baby in the sun, in the water, anywhere but here, Mattie thinks frantically. Timidly, she approaches the front counter, nurses in flashy pajamas suffering over paperwork. “Excuse me,” she almost whispers, and when the woman closest to her does not look up, she says again, “Excuse me.” The nurse looks up, and Mattie takes in her whole retched face. It is so lined and ancient that Mattie wants to draw her, just sit there and sketch for hours, trying to capture that face. “What?” the nurse spits out, literally, and narrows her eyes to slits.
Her fierceness throws Mattie off, and makes her speechless for a moment before sputtering out, “I just found out I was pregnant-”
“Where’s your pass?” the nurse interrupts, “Where’s the helper who took you here?”
“I walked here,” Mattie tells her, and motions to the robe. This old bag’s eyes widen with anger, fear and hatred, and she stands suddenly. “You can NOT be in here without a hospital pass, do you understand me? I need you to go back home NOW and apply for a pass, so that we can schedule you.” She points to the door harshly.
“But I’m pregnant and I don’t-”
“MISS! What did I tell you? You are not following hospital protocol!”
“But I just want to talk to-”
This woman’s perfect wrinkled skin is now stretched tight and as red as one of those beautifully polluted sunsets. She stands and she’s shaking, her finger pointing so hard to that door. “WHAT DID I SAY?!” she growls, and Mattie backs away, hands up in defeat. She wanted to scream in her face, “Fuck you,” but she’s left Mattie frightened, unaware that someone could knock her down so many pegs, so easily. She walks back outside, under the hospital’s awning, and stands there, not knowing what to do.
“I don’t think I ever told you my name. It’s Lotus.” The same boy is still hanging outside the hospital, and he peers at Mattie. “What’s your name?”
“Mattie,” she says, and sighs.
“Anything wrong?” Lotus asks her, and she looks up at him, staring at those trustworthy eyes. After seconds of intensity, eyes searching eyes, Mattie clears her throat.
“I’m pregnant,” she says it like it’s a disease, with the same graveness as she would admit she was dying. Lotus nods, but she can read his disappointment and it makes her smile with flutters in her stomach. “Where’s the father?” he asks. Mattie shakes her head, not really knowing what to say.
“Me, I guess. I haven’t had sex in so long, so I really don’t understand it. That’s why I came here, but this bitch nurse was, like, about to kill me in there ‘cus I didn’t have a pass!” Lotus looks at Mattie with raised eyebrows and obvious disbelief. “What do you mean, you? Are you sure you’re pregnant?”
“Yes!” Mattie cries, “I took the test, it was clear as night is black.” She rolls her eyes, “I don’t understand it either, all of the sudden I just am!” Lotus stares out into the gulf of sun and sand, squinting. After a moment, he looks back at Mattie and cocks his head to the side. “You live around here?” Mattie grins and nods enthusiastically. “Yes! It’s a little far though, I ran the whole way.” Lotus nods, thinking. “Let’s walk fast,” he finally says, “I don’t want to hurt my baby by running,” and he points to his camera. They start walking, him watching where Mattie walks, eying her belly.
The whole walk is mostly quiet, as Mattie senses her surroundings in amazement. They walk up to her trailer and slide in, closing the door. Mattie shudders at the sound of the vacuum seal sealing, thinking of all the beauty being shut out from her home. Lotus shakes off his robe to reveal full tattooed arms, board shorts and a t-shirt, tight on his chest. “I hate wearing that damn thing! I miss the days of going to the beach, tanning and bathing suits. Were you around then?” Lotus asks Mattie. She’s drooling over his lean, long body, thinking about how virtual reality is so, so different from reality. She realizes he is staring at her, expectantly, waiting for a response. “Oh, uh yes. I do remember that.” She nods her head. “I loved swimming, I really miss it.”
Lotus sits down on the couch, leans back and stretches his long, beautiful arms out. “Oh, me too!” he cries out. “Life is so fuckin’ depressing now, no more swimming, no more fun.”
Mattie smiles and scrunches up her nose. “Hey, Hunter S. Thompson, right?” she asks him, “His suicide note?” Lotus grins at her with the remembrance of the familiar, when life didn’t feel so war torn.
“Football season is over. No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming,” Lotus quotes. They both smile at the thought that the other one knew of it. “Are you hungry?” Mattie offers, “I’ve got a full garden.” Lotus makes a face, sticking his tongue out. “Remember macaroni and cheese?” he asks, drawing out the word ‘cheese.’ “I miss junk food.” Mattie wishes she had known Lotus in their previous lives, when they could pig out on food like that.
“The other day, I was thinking about a nice cold beer,” Mattie laughs. “I miss treating my body like shit.” Lotus laughs out loud. “I know what you mean,” he glances sideways at her stomach, “though it’s probably better now that you eat healthy.” Mattie sighs. “I don’t even know if I want this baby. I’m not sure I can be a mother.” Lotus grins devilishly. “If you get an abortion, can I photograph it? I’ve always wanted to capture something that horrific on film.” Mattie likes the idea of it, artistically, and nods. I wish you were the father, she thinks to herself, looking Lotus up and down. So. Damn. Cute.
Lotus stays for hours, and together they eat gruel, watch TV and talk. They talk about when they were kids, and all that life was back then. They talk about music, Mattie expressing her love for the Pixies, while Lotus insists that ALL and Descendents are perfection. They make fun of commercials and television actors, faking their laughter to sound like a canned audience. Lotus looks over lovingly at Mattie and puts his hand on her knee. “I’m glad I talked to you, I’m glad you let me take your picture.” Mattie’s heart soars, and she puts her hand over his. “I know, how lucky!”
They’re both grinning at each other like idiots, like fools in love, when Lotus notices a familiar box stashed in the corner. “Real Sex Sensation?” he asks, and Mattie blushes. “A girl’s got needs!” she blurts out and laughs. “No, I have one too!” he laughs. “Can I see the box?”
“Yeah sure,” Mattie says and gets up and grabs it. She walks back over, handing it to him, and flounces back down on the couch. She feels giddy and amazing, so happy to be with someone so like her, so for her. Lotus turns the box around and around, looking at every side when he stops short. “The picture…” he mumbles. “What?” Mattie leans over and looks to where he points. The image is of her realistic dildo, lit up and zoomed in, attempting perfection. Along the side, imprinted in the plastic, it says “Lotus.” Lotus looks over at Mattie, confused. “Why does it say my name?” Mattie shrugs. “Maybe it’s the name of the thing. You know, like another one is called…butterfly or something.”
Lotus throws the box down, and stands up, unsteady. “Whoa,” is all he says, shaking his head. “What’s wrong?” Mattie asks him urgently. She doesn’t want him to leave, ever, but he is acting like he is about to leave, now. “Lotus, what’s the matter?”
He looks up like a deer caught in headlights. “I gotta go.” It rolls off his tongue with such ease, and Mattie has flashes of her boyfriend leaving, uttering the same words. “Please, don’t!” she pleads, “Who cares, we’ll – we’ll just call the place or something.” Lotus shakes her off, walks toward the door. “Mattie, you’re cool but where the fuck did that baby come from?!” his voice is crazy, wavering. And then he walks out, slamming the door behind him. Mattie wonders what he meant by that, but shrugs it off. “I hope he comes back,” she whispers.
Cherish your artistic integrity,
Your love for the image.
Be insane
And love me.
Make me feel like I’m swimming in the ocean
Or laying out in the
Sun.
Dangerous to be alive,
And I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to
Endure.
Now, all of the sudden,
I need you.
The words fly through Mattie’s head as she tosses and turns in bed. She keeps trying to think of a title, but the only word that will come is Lotus. It had been a week since he’d run out, bringing back the wave of despondency she thought she’d left behind. Mattie felt like the days after Aidan, but darker, blacker, because of the bigger, more disillusioning hole Lotus had left. Like the oxygen needs us, I need you.
Mattie turns on her bedside lamp, and sighs a big, deep breath, imagining every molecule one that he breathed. It was too much to be like this, obsessive over someone she barely knew. “I love you so much, it turns to hate,” she whispers to herself, and distractedly rubs her belly. She had been showing lately, her round stomach growing faster and fuller than she had been ready for. It was a strange experience, trying to put on clothes or lay down, regarding your stomach like some fragile puppy. Ever the sensational, dark and tortured artist, Mattie would have flashes in her mind of falling down the stairs, landing right on the corner of a step, imagining the baby’s soft head dented; so far in it fails to be a single being any longer. Mattie hugs her stomach and weeps to her chest, wishing for someone to stop her from such horror. In her grimmest times, such as now, she feared that her baby would not survive if she had to raise it herself. “Maybe I should kill you now,” Mattie cries, tears in her eyes, “before I end up killing you when you’re bigger and messier.” She groans woefully, thinking of the abortion Lotus had mentioned. She turns the light off, ready for shadows and silence. Blood is all I know, Mattie ruminates, as she drifts, finally, into sleep.
At four a.m., her phone rings and it wakes her, groggily peering into the darkness. She doesn’t answer it, and lies on her bed, staring at the ceiling until it stops. When it does, she gets up and looks at the caller ID, wondering who in this world still knew her. At the same time her voicemail beeps New Message, she sees the caller’s name, Depondre, L.
“Who?” She asks no one, imitating an owl as she picks up the phone to listen to the message. “Oh Mattie, I can’t believe I found you. I want you to call me, okay? I’ve been thinking about you and…I’m just worried about you. I hope you know you’ve been on my mind! Here’s my number, its 567-239-8415. Okay? Please call me. Oh! Oh, and this is Lotus, okay? Please call me. I hope you don’t hate me.”
Mattie smiles an overjoyed, extremely satisfied smile, and laughs a big, loud laugh, her trailer echoing the sentiment. She snuggles back into bed, feeling amazing, and falls asleep to dreams of him.
The next morning, the sun shines through the window beautifully, warm and bright over Mattie’s blanket, face and hair. She smiles sweetly, thinking of the summer afternoon sun it reminded her of, and slowly rises to have breakfast. She leans down to kiss her belly, wondering if it could feel her mood changes. Perhaps it was the way it needed to be, to warn this baby of the hard life to come. “Hope that womb’s not too warm,” Mattie murmurs.
The phone rings suddenly, startling her, and she jumps out of bed, hoping its Lotus. She picks it up on the third ring, and shouts, too loudly, “Hello?!”
“Mattie? Oh, shit, Mattie! I can’t believe it’s you, I can’t believe I get to hear your voice. How are you? How’s the baby??”
Mattie smiles widely, and half-whispers, “Lotus?”
“Yes?”
“I am so happy to hear from you. Oh, how I’ve waited to hear from you.”
“Mattie, how’s the baby?”
Mattie finds herself pouting at the question, jealous that his focus is not on her. “Oh baby’s fine, Lotus, anyway, when are you going to be coming by again? I’d love to see you.”
“…Mattie, are you showing yet? What have you been eating? Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?”
Mattie rolls her eyes, done with niceties. “Fuck no, Lotus, fuck the hospital. Fuck this baby.”
Lotus gasps loudly on the phone, his breathe like an explosion in the speaker. “Mattie, I’m going to have a car drop me off at your house, I will be there in two hours okay? I’m going to help you with the baby, you sound like you need help. I’ll be there soon, kay?” Click. That was it, he was gone.
Mattie stares at the phone in her hand, an ancient tool of her modern life. It was funny how much life changed, and how much of it still stayed the same; same basic needs, same basic wants, same basic problems. At least he’s coming over, Mattie mused, her nerves jumping slightly at the thought.
All lost boys
cry over the Womb,
protect and cherish
what isn’t theirs.
Do they miss it?
Mattie wakes up to loud, frantic banging on the door, Lotus’ voice calling her name. “Mattie? MATTIE?! Are you okay in there, is the baby okay?!?! Mattie?!”
Mattie rolls out of bed sluggishly, every day feeling closer and closer to a big fat ladybug. “CHILL OUT!” Mattie screams through the door, and opens it to find Lotus, bag over his shoulder and look of death on his face. He rushes in and closes the door behind her, “Is everything alright? I was so worried, are you okay? Mattie, I-“
“Lotus! I was napping, okay? I must have fallen asleep. Geez, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Mattie eyes him, worried about his obsessive behavior.
Lotus looks down, suddenly shy. He shrugs his shoulders bashfully, mumbling, “Nothing.” Mattie stands there and just stares, watching Lotus squirm and struggle what to say. Finally, “Okay,” Lotus sighs, “This is going to sound so crazy, but after I left your house I started thinking about you and how you got pregnant. And…well, I uh…”
“Yeah?!” Mattie demands.
“Well, I, uh, I had a dream about you. You and I and the baby were all living together. And you kept saying, ‘I’m so glad you’re the father,’ and I kept noticing the baby had my eyes, like my literal eyes.”
“Oh, creepy, like he snatched them out of your head! How could you see?” Mattie teases.
Lotus smiles, and pinches Mattie’s hip. “No! We both had eyes, the same eyes. I just woke up thinking – no, knowing – I woke up knowing that that baby is mine. I mean ours. You know? I want to make sure this baby is taken care of.”
Mattie is all quizzical looks and awkward body language, completely confused at Lotus’ revelation. “We never had sex, Lotus!” Mattie shrieks, “You can’t be the father!”
“You didn’t have sex with anyone,” Lotus points out. “Someone has to be the father. Maybe…maybe they put my sperm in your sex toy and they got you when you used it!”
“Ha!” Mattie laughs, and then thinks of the “real orgasm sensation,” her face freezing at the thought.
“What is it?” Lotus asks, noticing her mood change. “Are you okay, did the baby kick?”
Mattie sighs heavily. “Lotus, not everything is about the baby!” She settles onto her bed, laying her head onto her pillow, her back facing Lotus. She can hear him walk up slowly, and sit softly on the bed behind her. He places one hand on her hip, rubbing back and forth. “I’m sorry,” he whispers to her. “I forgot to tell you how much I’ve been wanting to see you. Every day I didn’t see you, I dreamed about you.” Mattie smiles lazily, drifting off to sleep.
“You dream so much,” she mumbles, and Lotus rubs his face on her side, feeling her fall asleep in his arms.
Mattie dreams her and Lotus lay on the beach in hot, white sand, the baby perched under an umbrella. They both glow in the sun’s light and clear blue water keeps splashing at their feet. Everywhere, there’s color, rainbows upon rainbows surrounding them in the sky. Are we floating? Mattie marvels at the hollow bones of birds, basking in the sun as they fly above her head.
When she wakes up, the orange glow of the sun bathes her through the window. She feels groggy but content, watching the earth spin and the dust settle. Lotus stirs from time to time beside her, and Mattie’s heart leaps for joy at every sound he makes. Oh, how good it felt to be with someone again! Even if he was here for the baby, mostly. No, no, no, Mattie thinks to herself. He said he was here for you too.
She gets up and slides to the edge of the bed, trying to make as little movement as possible. Almost immediately, Lotus springs up and grabs her arm. “Where are you going off to?” he asks devilishly, a naughty smile on his lips. Mattie smiles a shy smile; his directness almost frightens her sometimes, putting her at a loss for words. His flirting made her feel wanted and desirable, but her inexperience held her back from indulging in his attention completely. She came from a class of girls who played hard to get, and that was the only way she knew how to act.
“Oh, I was just getting up to make myself something to eat, that’s all,” Mattie says quietly, and stands up and turns to face him. “Would you like something?”
Lotus’ eyes still shine with voracious hunger, and he puts his hands on her hips. “Yes, I want you,” he grins, “I want to taste you, finally. I’ve had too many dreams of your soft skin and I want to feel it for real this time.”
Mattie blushes, feeling inhibited. She is hesitant, and stands there for awhile before sighing. “I don’t want to have sex. I’m already pregnant, and I am just really not in the mood. I hope you don’t take offense Lotus, I really like you and this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my big fat body.”
Lotus laughs out loud. “Mattie, you are so sexy and I just want to make you feel good.” With that, he softly wrestles her to bed, and she lies on her back, peering up at him intently. “Your eyes drive me crazy,” he whispers, and starts to kiss her inner thighs, her hips, and her stomach. He pulls her underwear off fast, and Mattie gasps sharply, excited and nervous. Lotus licks her and drills his tongue into her, and her legs bounce and sway with every beautiful sensation. It had been a long time since Mattie had experienced this, and Lotus was very good at what he was doing. Lying on her back, Mattie felt like a true artist, feeling every touch with such extreme pleasure and wanting, imagining the whole world exploding around her. When Mattie finally comes, she yells and screams to fill up the heavens, empty without the presence of God, vibrating her whole body into warmth and softness. Are we floating? Lotus laughs with delight at Mattie’s reaction, and he lies beside her on the bed, both of them heavily breathing. Mattie looks over at him with fire in her eyes. “I needed you,” she breathes, and Lotus kisses her on the forehead. “I needed you.”
I float on winds
Like waves;
Carry me across this wasteland.
Reliant on your back,
Strong as the current,
You take me away.
“Want some omelets?” Lotus asks a little later, after many minutes of lying together, wrapped up in a bundle of warmth and happiness. “I know how to make them with the garden. No eggs, obviously, but they’re not that bad.”
Mattie shrugs. “Sure, why not,” she smiles, so satisfied with the life she finds herself in. “I’ll make it super healthy for our baby!” Lotus exclaims, and walks over to the computer to look up what supplements and vitamins he can add. “Our baby,” Mattie mumbles to herself, and walks over to where she had stashed her sex toy box so long ago. Just as before, on the back, the tiny disclaimer looms out at her. She goes over all the thoughts in her head, about the Lotus imprint, about the “real sensation,” about the baby and the dreams Lotus had.
“We need proof,” Mattie announces, “We need to know for real if this is ‘our baby.’” Lotus looks up from the computer, a hurt look in his eyes. “Do you not want it to be me?” he asks sadly. “Lotus! No!” Mattie cries. “I just want to know what the fuck is going on.” Lotus nods, understanding Mattie’s motives. “Let’s call them up, then, and demand some answers,” Lotus says, “Is there a number on the box?”
“No, no,” Mattie declares, “I want to talk to them in person, so they can’t ignore me. I want to stick my belly in their faces and just be like, ‘Explain!’ you know?”
Lotus nods silently. “Where are they?” he asks, and Mattie holds up the box. “The address is on here, and it’s nearby. Well, sort of.” Mattie shows him the box, and Lotus nods enthusiastically. “I know exactly where this is!” he pronounces, “But first, you need to eat.” It is Mattie’s turn to nod silently, as Lotus gets up and starts making the omelets.
After they eat, they cloak themselves in the sun shielding robes and set off. On their way, Lotus explains that the building is actually closer than the hospital, but the entrance is hidden underground, so it will take longer to get there. “How do you know?” Mattie asks, and Lotus shrugs. “I used to spend a lot of my time either playing video games or looking for cool buildings to take photos of. I came across it one time. I just hope I can remember how to get there.” They mostly walk in silence, Mattie’s fascination with the outdoors still intensely strong. They hold each others hand, for support, for comfort, and for love. Finally, “I think this is it!” Lotus whispers as they come to a grand entrance, with a sloping walkway leading down to a dark, tall office building. The sun’s rays barely reach it, giving the shiny building a bright sheen only at the very top. Everything else is cloaked in darkness.
They walk down slowly, and Lotus is afraid that Mattie will topple over and hurt the baby, holding her with both arms and making it awkward for her to move forward. “Lotus! I can’t walk like this,” Mattie complains, gently pushing him away. “Stop being so protective,” she advises. Lotus smiles, and hooks his arm into hers. “My seed,” he whispers with a grin. Mattie rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out at him. “My womb you asshole, and definitively my baby. Now stop acting this way or I’ll give myself an abortion.” Lotus raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. Later, when they finally get to the entrance of the building, Lotus leans down and whispers in Mattie’s ear, “You’re too perfect.”
They walk in to a lobby of ceramic flooring and modern décor, everything black or white, and all made out of glass. The front desk is this long, pretentious piece of furniture, with harsh angles and smooth finish. It reminded Mattie of the hospital, with all its clean lines and starkness, but even more detached. She wondered if they really did chop men’s penises off here to make as sex toys.
The woman behind the desk notices them and immediately stands up. “Hello and welcome. Who are you here to see?” Her face was all angles and she had a pinched nose, but her hair and clothes made her look like modern art. “I want to talk to the boss,” Mattie replies immediately. The woman looks confused, and finally says, “If you do not have an appointment Miss, I’m afraid you cannot see Mr. Smythe. He is only available by appointment.”
“Do you see this?!” Mattie exclaims, and steps back to display her pregnant tummy. “This happened to me after I used one of Mr. Smythe’s fuckin toys. Do you know why this happened?”
The woman looks her up and down, deciding not to fight what she figured this girl already knew. She leans in so that Mattie can still hear her, as she drops her voice to a barely audible whisper. “Yes, I know why that happened. If they know I’m telling you this shit, I’ll get fired. If you storm past me and go up to the top floor, his office is the penthouse, and I know he’s up there right now, probably burning 100 dollar bills because he is that crazy. But I can’t let you up there, ‘cus I don’t want to get fired.” She then leans back immediately, as if Mattie had imagined it all, and the woman starts to say very loudly, “I’m sorry but you must leave now if you do not have an appointment. Please call Mr. Smythe if you would like to make an appointment with him.” And then she winks.
Mattie winks back and grins widely. “Fuck you lady!” she cries, and grabs Lotus’ hand, running to the elevator. It’s already there, standing by, and they pile in and stab the 14th floor button, marked Penthouse. “Oh, no, wait!” the woman calls after them, but her voice sounds far away, like she never left her desk.
The doors close and the elevator zooms to the top of the building, ringing at every floor. When it reaches the top, it rings three times, ding ding ding, and then the doors slide open. What’s revealed is a large expanse of space, windows surrounding in every direction. It was scary but beautiful to be surrounded by so much sky. “How did you get up here?” a bald man with a gray suit on asks, “Did Cynthia say you could come up here?”
“No, Mr. Smythe, I went up here myself. I don’t have an appointment, but I thought that maybe you could explain to me why the fuck I am pregnant after using one of your products.” Mattie spits out, her rage seething. Lotus can feel the anger coming off Mattie, and so he puts his hand on her back, trying to remind her of his presence. She looks back at him, and thinks of how she never would have met Lotus if it weren’t for this baby. Still, she felt deceived and she wanted answers.
Mr. Smythe hems and haws, and finally says, “I bet it was your boyfriend there that got you pregnant. Don’t blame me!” Mattie steps closer to him until she is right in front of his desk. “I met him after I was pregnant, you fuckin motherfucker. I bought your product and used it exactly once, where that real sex sensation shot out something into my body and now I am pregnant. So, you tell me – what was that shit?”
Mr. Smythe looks down sadly, and then stares out into the sky, blue abyss of freedom. He sighs, seemingly unhappy with himself. “Oh the world we live in now,” he wails, “The fear people invest in, the walls they put between themselves. We had to find a way to keep the human race alive, to keep reproduction rates up. The government asked me-“
“Are you fuckin kidding me?” Mattie roars at him. “You and the government thought it would be a great idea to trick young woman who only wanted a little safe sex into having a fuckin baby? Do you realize how dangerous that is? I should kill this baby right now!!” She watches Mr. Smythe’s face twist in pain, and he walks around his desk and gets on his knees.
“Please, I beg you!” he cries out, “Please don’t stop the life that was created.”
“Life that was created with me and my dildo. So when my baby asks who the father was, I can say ‘piece of plastic that got me off.’ Sounds so good right???” Mattie is using her anger as a weapon, violence in her eyes and her movements.
The man is blubbering, and shaking his head.
“No, no, no, no, you can tell who the father is by the name printed on the toy.”
Lotus and Mattie exchange glances, and Lotus says, “It said Lotus, is that me?”
“If you ever used one of our products, probably,” the man sighs. “Most likely, you are the mother and father.” Lotus squeezes Mattie’s hip, and she flashes him a small smile. It felt strange to acknowledge it finally, to know it as truth.
Mattie turns her attention back to Mr. Smythe, and looms over him. “Maybe so, but it doesn’t change the fact that you fuckin forced me to get pregnant against my knowledge. I could sue you; I could tell everyone in the world that your company does this. So you tell me what you’re going to do to shut me up.”
Mr. Smythe stands back up, nodding feverishly.
“Anything, anything,” he pleads desperately, and walks over to his wall safe, entering in the code and swinging the door open. He grabs stacks upon stacks of dirty dollar bills, shoving them into Lotus and Mattie’s hands. “I’ll support the baby, just keep it, just bring it into this world,” he begs. Mattie looks at him deeply, looking into his eyes. He generally looks frightened and remorseful, and Mattie has the sudden urge to hug him. She denies it, blaming her motherly instinct getting the best of her, and nods in agreement at his statement.
“Okay,” she says, and she turns and walks back into the elevator, Lotus right behind her. They go back downstairs, past Cynthia and the stylish hospital-lobby, out of the black building and up the pathway to the outside again. “So, we’re the parents,” Lotus reflects as they make their way back to her house. “And I guess we’re keeping this one.” Mattie looks up at Lotus, and feels her whole body lift, like she is lighter than air, like she is riding the wind like waves. “Yes, we’ll keep this one, and I’ll keep you,” Mattie smiles. Lotus hugs her, wrapping his long arms around her whole body, and they float home.